Addicted to you

I initial set out to write a blog post detailing the hell I went through while I was dating an addict for four years but things…evolved.

I soon realized I didn’t need to go into detail about him stealing over $1,000 of my money to go buy drugs over the course of our relationship or the fact that he would constantly flirt with other girls or even that he built an upside down crucifix out of steel and cotton balls soaked in acetone and lit it on fire in front of my house for no reason at all. I didn’t think it would be fair to him, but oops I already said it.

While writing the major milestone of my past relationship and continually going off on tangents regarding certain instances I realized I never really dealt with what happened to me.

I dated someone who loved alcohol and heroin more than they ever loved me. How do you think that makes a person feel? Knowing that the person you are madly in love with would trade you in for simply just five more minutes of being high.

It makes you feel pretty damn worthless and small.

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My initial “vision” was to write about my experiences in hopes that not only would it be therapeutic for me to pour my heart out but also maybe I could potentially help someone going through a similar situation.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure if me detailing what it was like watching my ex-boyfriend overdose while driving me home would be helpful to others but it sure did bring back up some emotions that I buried deep, deep down.

I never dealt with what was done to me by him. And honestly he really fucked me up.

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When I first met him I was a strong and independent woman who knew what she wanted out of life but the second we started dating I was immediately obsessed with him.

I think the words “obsessed” and “infatuated” work perfectly for my situation because my world revolved around him at all times no matter what. My feelings didn’t really matter to me at some points as long as he was happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I was in fact in love with him. But the best way to describe our relationship is by saying:  he was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to him.

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For four years he put me through some tough shit, but did anyone really know about it? No. I still posted loving photos of us all over social media exclaiming my love for him even if ten minute before we were in a screaming match over him ignoring me for days. You’d think I would see a pattern and just quite him, but I couldn’t.
I needed him. (Well so I thought.)

Feeling like you need another person with every ounce of your being is a very hollowing and lonely feeling. It’s also extremely pathetic and deep down I knew that. But I didn’t care.

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I remember people constantly tell me “how strong” I was for sticking by him through his drug and alcohol addiction and not only supporting him emotionally but also attending his alcohol anonymous meetings with him so he didn’t feel so alone. But honestly that’s not strength.

It’s weakness.

I was too weak to stand up for myself and leave him.

I felt like I couldn’t live without him and I accepted the fact that dealing with his addiction and bi-polar outburst were just going to be something I was going to have to deal with. And I was honestly okay with that.

I was settling for someone who didn’t value me whatsoever.

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You’re probably thinking there must have been a turning point where I finally stood up and told him that I was worth more than this and that I deserved better.

But you’d be wrong.

I was a coward and I let him destroy me one last time by breaking up with me while we were in a counseling meeting with the head of the rehab center he was attending. (Yep you’re right! I even stood by him as he attended rehab and drove to see him and take him out once a week.)

And even while breaking up with me he didn’t admit any of the horrible things he put me through or did to me. He placed all the blame on me once again.

I was devastated to say the least.

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At this point you’d think I’d just be a bitter and emotionless shell of a person and honestly I am. But it’s starting to fade.

Him making me feel worthless on countless occasions was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

The memories that I have of that relationship will be with me forever but the pain and hurt that was inflicted on me constantly for four years will go away eventually.

It may not be gone yet, even after over a year of us being separated but it will go away.

And knowing that keeps me going.

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Surviving a toxic relationship is draining but it’s possible. It’s possible to even come out on top even though it’s not easy.

I’m a perfect example of that.